Can You See Me Now? Good Lord Yes, We CAN See You!

Okay people I know that the neon colors are coming back in style but come on.....neon on a big girl?

I was shopping at one of my favorite stores that has my favorite big girl section in it the other day and noticed that most of the color choices are neon. Really people?

Neon was popular in the 80's. I was a child of the 80's so I know this. I loved my neon because that was what everyone else was wearing. Loved my neon bracelets and neon splatter paint shirts and everything neon. But now........

Neon became the color that said hey can you see me and is worn by construction workers and usually has some sort of reflective tape on it so you can SEE them and not run over them.

Is this really how we as big girls want to be seen. Really, here I am in all my bigness and I am wearing neon so you can see me better. NO! Big girls should NOT wear neon! These colors are reserved for skinny bitches so you can see them in the buffet line and not run them over to get to the fried chicken before it is all gone.

Now a little bit of neon is okay. Like accent neon. A hint of neon is good. But NEVER EVER a full on neon shirt or shorts or jacket. NEVER I TELL YOU!
Let's leave the neon to the skinny bitches and construction workers so we can see then and not run them over<yeah, okay, I have SEEN skinny bitches while driving and I have wanted to run them over, I am sure you have too, don't you judge me!>

Now which black shirt should I wear today?

Oh put your big girl panties on............

or at least that it what I "thought" I went to the pantie store to buy.

Another thing besides a great dress that makes a woman feel like a woman is sexy panties. It does not matter what you are wearing on top of them, if you have sexy panties on you feel like a woman.

I went to the a very popular pantie store to buy myself some more sexy panties one evening. I walked right in with my head held high and started looking through the little drawers of panties. I looked and looked and looked. WTF, where the hell are the extra large panties that I usually get. I found the style I buy but not the size. Are you fucking kidding me, they are out of my size? I looked more as my husband says, just ask for help. Um yeah NO! I do not need help in the pantie store and I do not want to draw attention to myself in the pantie store.

I kept looking and looked in other styles for my size. Nothing. At this point I was getting pissed off. Who the fuck do these pantie makers think they are? How dare they take MY SIZE off the shelves!

So I decided to finally ask the pantie sales lady<which I would like to mention, SHE was a big girl too and looked like she wore an extra large pantie herself>.
Me: Excuse me miss, where are the extra large panties in this style?
Pantie sales lady: We do not carry extra large panties.
Me: Um yes you do because I am wearing that exact style and they are extra large.
Pantie sales lady: No, we have never carried extra large panties.
Me: Um yes you have because I bought them and are wearing them.
Pantie sales lady: No we never have you are mistaken.
Me<getting pissed off>: well then what the hell are the big girls supposed to do?
Pantie sales lady: We have never carried extra large panties.
Me<very pissed off at this point>: Well that is stupid, big girls want to wear sexy panties too! What are the big girls supposed to do?
She looked at me like I was a crazy lady.

And then I stormed out of the store vowing never to shop there again. Great now what am I going to do for sexy panties, go to a big girl store...um yeah NO!
So we left the mall and came home. I guess I have enough panties to get me by for a while till I can figure out what to do.

Later that night I took off my clothes to take a shower and as I looked at the size of my sexy panties I noticed they were actually large. OMG, I acted a fool over a size of panties that do not exist at that pantie store. I felt like a turd in a punch bowl over it......HEY wait just a fucking minute.....I WEAR LARGE PANTIES AND NOT EXTRA LARGE! Wow, THAT made me feel better!

So if you ever need someone to go to bat for the big girl, call on me!
Time for new panties!!!!

So I can't be funny during boot camp! Watch me fatties!

WTF is wrong with these people in my boot camp. NONE of them have a sense of humor...well at least not like mine. GAWD!

Boot camp continues to go on. Just started our third week. Let me get you caught up on the ones since my last post.

Our second session was okay, not too hard for me but the hubby cried the entire time. He was still super sore from the first session. He could not do jumping jacks or lunges or really anything that made him use his thighs. Big baby! I, on the other hand rocked it, except I had to pee. Really, I was on the edge of peeing my pants so what do I do? Joke about it. Hey, I AM fucking funny but NONE of them seemed to laugh. Come on fatties, we are here in this together, let's laugh and have a good time while we are working out. Nothing. Stupid non funny fatties!

We were unable to go to our next session because we were headed home to OK. So we missed that one, oh well, we will live.

The next week, which was last week we met at a place that had stairs...lots and lots of stairs. I am not the most graceful person, well I thought I was but my hubby always is worried about me falling so now I guess I started believing him and now I am clumsy. So, I was worried about tripping and falling and making an ass out of myself so I took the stairs slow. Um yeah....STAIRS SUCK! And beside the stairs was a hill the exact size of the stairs and we had to run up it, run up it backwards<look bitch I cannot do anything backwards. Fuck I have a hard time backing out of my drive way in my car and you want ME to run up a hill backwards? FUCK!> Well, let me tell you that was hard and took me forever but I did not give up. Then we had to bear crawl<I fucking call it crab crawl but who really gives a shit what it is called, it was fucking hard> We also did these things like wall chairs but we had no wall to use we just squatted down and sat there with nothing to support us. Now I know you all have watched Biggest Loser at least once and the fatties are all yelling and their legs are shaking out of control and I thought...aww zip it and do not be such a drama queen. Well........I was WRONG! This is a real reaction to exercising beyond what you are used to<remember what I am used to, sitting on my fat ass eating ice cream> well my legs were shaking like crazy and I was like WTF is this and it hurt! And all along I was saying funny things and trying to make light of the situation and these fuckers just looked at me like I had trees growing out of my ears. Can I get a giggle or a chuckle from any of you boring fuckers? No! Nothing!

Our second session that week was cancelled because of weather. WHAT? NO! I really was upset about it too. I wanted to go and someone said, you should work out anyway...um yeah are you fucking serious? No, I am not going to do it on my own, I mean how do you think I got the way I look now? Doing it on my own? Yeah right, stupid!

Our third session that week, which was last Friday was....well....how do I say this...A FUCKING NIGHTMARE! So, there is this mountain here and I guess when it snows it is where all the cool kids go to sled. A FUCKING
MOUNT IAN in the middle of town. Well our trainer thinks it would be just dandy to go over there and check it out. OMFG! Really? Is she shitting me? So we start by running up it for as long as we could and then if we have to walk the rest of the way. FUCK! We did this twice. So not only did we have to climb it we had to get back down it to do it again. THEN she wanted us to go up backwards....um read a few sections up to remember how "great" I am a backwards. THEN she wanted us to climb it in a bear crawl. Are you fucking serious? Well I DID IT but I was not happy about it. The entire time I was cutting jokes and saying funny things and all I got back was crickets. Liven up fatties! So when we finished my hubby was like, you really did a good job on the. Oh really, I really did? I was back with the obese dudes and a lady with jacked up knees. What a "good job" I did honey....STFU! That session and the first session to date has been the killers.

So last night we went again. We had a different trainer and she assured us she was the "nice" one. Yeah riiiiiiight. This trainer liked to run. Hey bitch I am in the Advance Beginner WALKING boot camp. Not running.....FUCK! At one point she wanted us to sprint back and forth on this bridge....sprint I tell you...sprint....did you get that. I DO NOT RUN! If someone was chasing me I would just say, go ahead and kill me, I am not going to run. Well I did run a little, maybe call it a jog. I was jogging and this shagnasty was on the bridge on a bike and do you know what he had the nerve to say to me? He said....man that was like a earth quake with you running on this bridge you really are shaking it. My response to him was to call him a fucker, I thought it was funny. No one else did. What the hell is wrong with you people! How about you all go out and buy yourselves a sense on humor and use it, it makes things more fun! So after all of that nonsense we did an exercise where we all walked in a line and the person at the back walked/jogged/ran to the front and so on and so forth. Well when it was my turn I did the super speed walk. Well I am famous for this move. You know like the mall walkers do. Well everyone was cheering me on and very impressed at my form and speed. I laughed the entire time I did it, I did it twice and all I could yell was…”I am squeezing my butt checks, I am squeezing my butt cheeks”. Do you think any of those fuckers laughed, Um NO!

So now I am determined to make these people laugh and it will be my goal before this thing comes to an end.

Lost another pound bitches!!!!

Until next time....LAUGH!!!

I am not going to look like this forever bitches....I'm going to fat camp!

Okay it is not actually fat camp it is an exercising boot camp<I think Fat Camp sounds better though>

So I have lost 12 pounds doing my health shakes and now nothing. I mean I have no idea why I am not losing any more. I mean I sit around all day and nothing so I decided it was time to get serious and join a exercise boot camp. I mean it is to a point that if I have to haul ass it would take me three trips....um yeah...it is time for a change.

I had some co-workers that I used to work with that did this boot camp<one of them actually warned me not to quit after the first day, WTF does that mean?> so last week I decided...hey I can try that! I just happen to check on it at the perfect time because the camp was starting this week! Sweet! Score!

So this past Saturday I had to go weigh in and get measured and meet my trainer. I was so excited to meet her. I was NOT excited to weigh in and get my measurements, oh well they can only get better from this point on...right?

Tuesday was my first day and my hubby decided to do it with me, for moral support he said. Whatever he needs to lose weight as much if not more than me so your fat ass needs to go too! He bitched and moaned about going. "oh this is going to be hokey, and this is just walking and toning, and I have to win and be in first" I told him it was not a competition and that I have heard it is really hard. He was like whatever.

So we arrive at our first location, we meet at different locations outside every week to keep it changing. The hubby is still going on about it and as soon as he meets the trainer he is like, I was an athlete and blah blah blah.

I had been hydrating all day long and I did some stretching exercises earlier that day just to be ready. When I asked my hubby if he had been hydrating he was like NO! And he hoped the trainer was not going to make us stretch because he did not need to stretch and he hated doing that. Okay big boy....whatever you say.

We started out walking, fast. I was able to keep up and I was in the middle of the pack. She stopped us and split us down into two groups, slow and fast. And yes I got thrown in the fast group...GREAT. Oh the hubby was in my group too, because remember...it is a race and he has to win.

We start walking again and go a "station", a station is just a place where we stop to do torture..I mean toning. We do some exercises called...oh hell I can't remember, all I know is WTF was I thinking doing this. We got down in a push up position and hopped our feet up and back and up and back. Then we did the same but on one foot at a time then we were to walk, run if we could, a mountain, okay fuckers, it was actually a mound. We did more of the same torture and then walked more.

<note to remember, I had been drinking tons of water, all day long>

We reach a major street and get along the side walk and use these rocks to do chair lifts with our arms and push ups...more torture. Then we had to so 2 sets of 30 jumping jacks. <oh BTW the hubby was right beside the trainer saying how he could do this and that so she made him to more along with her advanced people in our group...HA!>We stared doing the jumping jacks and I seriously thought I was going to pee my pants right there in front of Gawd and everyone driving by. Thank Gawd I saw a port-a-potty in the park that we pasted.

So she sends us back and as she does I ask her, are we going to do any more jumping because if we are I have to stop and pee. She said yes and sent me off to the bathroom. I guess while I was in there the group stopped for more torture, I missed that and we walked on to another torture station.

By this time I am about to pass out and I am drenched with sweat. Our next torture session is these squats and jump ups. Little piece of advise, G-string panties are NOT the way to go for tortureous fat camp. They were so far up my ass I believe I was tasting cotton. Good Lord, I may have to invest in some granny panties for fat camp....hate granny panties. So after this last station we were to speed walk back to the parking lot where we started.

WE WERE DONE and I HAD SURVIVED! My arms and legs were like wet noodles and I was so out of breath I thought I may kill over right there. The hubby looked even worse than I did. I thought his eyes were going to pop right out his head.

We loaded our broke down bodies into the car and headed to get some dinner. I was not hungry and could not even think about eating at this point but I knew I had to eat something. We decided to hit the local Subway because the last thing I could do was stand in the kitchen and prepare a meal. I got a salad and a water and the hubby got some sammie with bacon on it. WTF bacon? We just did a fucking workout! Whatever. And he got pop and chips. Diet pop and baked chips. So we sat and tried to talk to each other but we both were wore the fuck out. We get ready to leave and the hubby notices that on our receipt there is a coupon for a free cookie<his eyes lit up as he told me> I said NO you are not getting a cookie after what we have been though.

Later that night, the hubby decides he is hungry, again, and feels he needs to eat chips, not baked either. I give him what for but he still eats them. Good job honey.

THE DAY AFTER ARRIVES
And the hubby and I are both sore as hell. But that just means we worked hard right. I feel great and I am doing great with my eating habits! The hubby cried ALL DAY LONG. ALL DAY LONG! And ate bad for breakfast, fast food, and bad for lunch, fast food, so I fixed a healthy dinner. He has the nerve to say to me that I did not give him enough rice and how he did not have enough food. Dude you had an entire chicken salad sammie, half a packet of rice and a container of fruit, get over it!

As the evening goes by he is still crying about how sore he is and wants me to get him this and get him that, hey, get your ass up and work those sore muscles. And then he decides he wants another chicken salad sammie, um no, the leftovers are for tonight's dinner. Then he wants ice cream. I told him no but if he wants I can give him a list to get stuff for me to make him a smoothie. He said no he did not want to go to the store, but he was willing to GO to the ice cream store. So he resorts to eating the rest of the chips. I glare at him and he said, well they are all broken and are crumbs....so, that does not mean all the fat and calories spilled out, he finished the bag. He informed me he may not be able to go to the next boot camp session because he is so sore....big baby, and he goes to bed early.

So this morning, bright and early he asks, are you still sore? Yes honey I am. Then he says he thinks he cannot go tonight and has the nerve to ask me if I think he is being a puss? Why yes, you big strong manly athlete, I do think you are being a puss. So I just got an email from him asking if we are going at the same time and same place.....his ass is going!

BTW...I have lost 4 pounds so far since Saturday!
I will keep you posted on that and my adventures of fat camp!

With Enough Lipstick and the Right Shoes No One Will Notice the Size of My Ass............

no one except ME!

So the other day I was getting ready to go spend time with my soul sister. She was texting me wondering where the hell I was because there were beers to drink. So I texted her back and said I have nothing cute to wear. She said if it helps you I am wearing jeans, tennis shoes and a hoodie. Um yeah that does! So I put on a cute<I thought> pair of jeans and a long sleeved white shirt, not too tight and not too loose and a black short sleeved black shirt, not too tight and not too loose and my black sparkly chucks. I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought I looked okay. I mean I did not think I looked fat or skinny, just okay.

We got there and there were pics being taken, not of me, but I was in the back ground of one of them. I looked hard and long at myself. WTF happened from the time I looked at myself in the mirror till the time I saw the pic of me? How did I get that I looked okay in the mirror and then like a fat ass in the pic.

Is my image of myself that fucked up? Why is my image of myself so fucked up? How, in my mind do I "think" I look okay to seeing myself look FAT? This is so fucked up and I really am bothered by it.

So it dongs on me that I finally realize what those "People of Walmarts" were thinking. They look at themselves in the mirror and then someone takes a pic of them and they see it and think, WTF was I thinking? I "thought" I looked good when I saw myself in the mirror this morning. Am I doomed to be in those "People of Walmarts" emails now?

I just don't understand what happens to the image of myself from the mirror to a pic of me? I guess the camera adds about 100 pounds in my case! I DO NOT want to be one of those "People of Walmarts"! I think I may have some really fucked up images of myself in my head and I want to know why? Where did they come from and why do I have them?

Fucking People of Walmarts!

Who In The Hell Ever Said "Let Them Eat Cake".......

should have their fucking head chopped off!

Well, so my thirtyish......I mean my 29th birthday has come and gone but it left something behind....my big fat cake eating ass!

This year my sister and 2 of her kids came up to surprise me for my birthday. She did not bring a cake and there was no cake at my house, there NEVER is, which is a good thing. She came up on a Friday night and the next day she wanted me to take her to Sam's Club....TO GET MY BIRTHDAY CAKE. So, I thought oh how nice a small little cake is good. We all love cake and it will be gone in a day with us all having a piece or two.

We get to Sam's and we got back to the bakery and there it is, the heavens opened up and the angels sing......a huge triple coconut layered birthday cake. OMG! I pick it up and it weight 80 pounds! OMG!

A little history on me....I FUCKING LOVE COCONUT! Anything coconut. The taste the smell the fact that it reminds me of being some where tropical. LOVE everything about it. Now the hubby, not so much. He loves the way it smells but hates the taste. THIS poses a problem. That means he will not be eating any cake. Okay, okay I can do this.

We bring it home, after a fucking visit to the chocolate store downtown and after purchasing 5 camel chocolate apples, the plates and all are waiting on the table to eat CAKE! My sister tells me how wonderful it is. It looks great and smells great. Hell I want to rub it all over my lumpy body at this point. Coconut cake, coconut custard in between the layers, three layers, coconut frosting and for good measure, grated coconut sprinkled all over it. OMG I am in coconut heaven...I mean hell!

The first piece is like a, well, like a, um well you know what I mean. It is so damn good. OMG my eyes roll back into my head it is so good! So not even half of that cake gets eaten before my sis and the kids go home, do you think she took any home with her....NO! What the hell am I going to do with this fucking cake. I WILL NOT THROW IT AWAY! Who the fuck throws away a perfectly good cake, not me bitches!

I got it! I will take to to my soul sister's house for the Super Bowl....yeah that's the ticket! There will be a bunch of people there and they will eat that shit right up! So I take it up there and I put it out on the counter and WTF no one wants any. I had to force a slice on one couple to take home with them.

Well fucking great, I have to haul this fucker home and what, what am I going to do with it? I really cannot bring myself to toss it, I mean it is a perfectly good cake. SHIT, I will have to eat the fucker, all of it! Every evening after dinner I had me a slice of it. It is so good and every night I have nightmares of it attaching itself to my big fat cake eating ass. Finally that fucker is gone! Yes bitches I did eat that wonderful cake...all of it.

So now the cake it gone and I am in the clear until...........................

Some friends of mine in the neighboring town decide since they did not see me on my birthday that they will celebrate it last weekend with a....you fucking guessed it.....a damn cake! A wonderful yummy red velvet cake with yummy cream cheese frosting. Three pieces got eaten and guess where the rest of it ended? IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE! So there I was, with another cake in my house. This one was homemade and I could never throw it away. WHO THROWS CAKE AWAY? NOT THIS FAT BITCH! One good thing, my hubby loves red velvet cake so he helped me eat it.....thank gawd.

So today my house is cake free and it better stay that way for a long ass time!!!
People say you can't have your cake and eat it too....well I fucking did, enough to kill a normal person!

Fucking cakes anyway!

Never Say Never

Okay I have some things to confess. I am not a saint and I am not a liar and I told you all I would be open and honest with you. So here it goes..............

I BOUGHT A PAIR OF SKINNY JEANS. Yes, I was the one bitching about them. I know, I know, I KNOW OKAY! So here is the story, I was trying to get out of my "slob style" and my soul sister is teaching me to get out of the box and try new fashion trends. So, me being the person I am, researched them online<don't fucking laugh>I really did go out and look at the different style, sizes, brands and colors. I decided I was going to take a leap of<not faith> of fashion and bite the bullet and go shopping for some skinny jeans.

It all started when I went and bought the size medium shirt and the jeans that were not in the big girl section. I wanted a cute pair of boots. Boots that you tuck your jeans down in with buckles on them. Kewl boots, sexy boots. I found a pair and they are CUTE! So I get ready to go out and I put my new outfit on. I tuck the new jeans into the boots. Um yeah....I don't think I did this right because I look like I am wearing lion tamer pants. This did not look right at all. So I send my soul sister a text. She asked, are those new jeans flare or boot cut. Yup, yup they were. She says, oh yeah those jeans will not work tucked in boots. Well fuck! My entire outfit was ruined! She said you have to get skinny jeans to make it look right with boots. Well fuuuuck that! I DON'T wear skinny jeans. REMEMBER I blogged about skinny jeans. I was pissed, pissed I tell you.

So that is when I started thinking about the skinny jeans. And then one evening last week I decided I am just going to do it. I am going to squeeze my fat ass into a pair of those if it KILLS me! I headed out to my favorite store JCP. Took the hubby too. He HATES shopping with me these days because I get my mind on something and will not stop until I find it or get so pissed off at the site of myself in the "fitting" room mirror that I give up. I stared looking in the Levis section. Those are the ones I saw online and it looked like they had my size. I dug through them and found a couple of pairs that I wanted to try on. I was kinda digging the colored jeans. You know, black or gray jeans.<NO not WHITE! Are fucking crazy! You really think I want to look like a fucking marshmallow squeezed into a pair of white skinny jeans, well fuck that! WHITE is NOT slimming you dumb ass!> Anyway, I headed to the "fitting" room and I was so pissed, none of the Levi skinny jeans fit me. Is this how it is going to be? I was UPSET! I barreled out of the "fitting" room because my ass was NOT "fitting" into these stupid fucking jeans. Who the hell came up with theses jeans. Oh yes it was the skinny bitches.<you know I can break a skinny bitch in half like a crayon> No, no, I was NOT giving up on this mission. I will NOT let my body image get the best of me this time. So I pulled up my big ass big girl panties<remind me later, I need to blog about panties> and I went back out into the store determined to find a fucking pair of skinny jeans if it killed me! I shopped around and found a different brand. Hey, I have wore this brand of clothing before, I have big girl stuff in this brand. I spark of hope! I looked though everything and finally found a black pair of skinny jeans in my size. Well I think they are skinny jeans, I mean they look like it but the label says denim leggings. What? Did this brand read my blog and stopped calling then skinny jeans? I personally like the name ankle chokers better, anyway I headed to the "fitting" room with the one pair of, demin leggings....LOVE that name! Got in the stall<yes, I call it a stall because I feel like a cow in there, cows are in stalls> and I tried to put them on. There is no damn zipper. WTF? There was a button but no zipper. Oh, see that is why they are called leggings and not jeans, no zipper. Anyway, I put them on and low and behold they FIT!!! They felt good. I thought I looked good in the mirror. I came out of my stall<MOOOOO> and asked my hubby what he thought. He said they looked okay. I asked it I looked stupid. He said no<he will say ANYTHING to get him out of the store>. I went back in and smiled. I am going to do it. I am going to buy these fuckers! I AM GOING TO DO IT! And I did!

Let me just tell you how awesome they looked on me with my boots. I was on a fashion high! I felt like my old self again, back when I had a style that was not slob. Someone even told me I should wear nothing BUT skinny jeans! So many people committed on how good I looked and that they could tell that I had lost weight! Could a fucking pair of jeans really do that much for my body image....I THINK SO!

So the moral of the story bitches is to never say never!