Mirror Mirror on the Wall..........

Why the hell do I notice every flaw?

Folks, folks, listen up, I am down 27.2 pounds! You heard me right, 27.2 pounds! Damn right bitches!

So, what the fuck is wrong with me that every time I look in the mirror or see a pic of me I notice flaws? What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot see what I have done and how much weight I have lost?

Why is my body image so fucked up? WHY I ask you?

The other day I went shopping and where did I go right to? The fucking big girl section. Why do I keep doing that? I am not that big of a girl any more. I mean I can buy in the regular section now but every damn time I go straight to the Misses Plus section. Have I been so beat down<I beat myself down>that I am programmed to see myself as a big girl forever?

I am NOT turning into one of those eating problems girls am I? Is that how it starts? Seeing yourself as big and you are not? I mean, I have 22.8 pounds still to go so it is not like I am skin and bones. Hell my trainer told me the other day to be careful because my face was getting too thin! Is she fucking kidding me? I have 22.8 pounds left to go!

The other day I saw a gal I had not seen in right at a year and she thought the hubs and I had gotten a divorce and I was his new girlfriend. She said she did not recognize me.

Don't get me wrong folks, I am happy that I am losing weight but why does it have to come with these issues. I want to look in the mirror and see me, not some fucked up image that is programmed into my sick brain! Maybe I need professional help? Oh yeah sure, you all laugh on the inside thinking, that bitch needed professional help 20 years ago.

Well I tell you one thing, I am not stopping eating right and exercising! Boot camp is back in swing and I am loving it! Hell I signed up to do the 5K Color Run!

Well until next time, I may or may not seek out professional help. Be healthy my bitches!!!!!

I have a one track mind these days.........

No, you pervs, not like that, wrong blog for that. Get your damn minds out of the gutter<to make more room for mine>.

All I think about is food. 24-7. Food. Since I have started this diet, whole fresh foods, nothing processed, I think about food all the damn time. And not like, oh I would die for some cookies, or I would do anything for some cake<I really would do ANYTHING for some chocolate chip cookie dough right this second>but about good food.

What am I going to cook? How am I going to make that shit taste better? How much of that can I eat? How much does that weigh? I tell you, it is fucking exhausting!

And let me just tell you, I may single handily end the chicken population. I have had so much damn chicken I get angry thinking about it. And I fucking cook every damn night. GAWD, do you know how a dirty kitchen every day messes with my OCD? I am so scared to eat out because of what might be cooked in the food.

So is this how healthy<skinny bitches>people live every single day? Is this how they stay skinny? I guess if it is, then I am gonna keep with it. I have lost 8.8 pounds so far. Which is good but damn, I want to lose MORE!

AND I have come to the conclusion that I have to give up beer. YES I FUCKING SAID BEER! Beer is proof the God loves you and wants you to be happy, right. Hey I did change the kind of beer that I drink to the lowest calorie kind before water. And I noticed a change. But when I drink beers on the weekend<yea I usually only drink on the weekends, I am a fucking weekend drunk>I do not lose as much weight as I do when I don't drink. So, it is back to the no cal, no carb drink mix<hell I bought almost $100 worth of that shit, guess I really should start using it again>. It is good but I only like to mix it with Parton and that shit is expensive<us high class big girls like the good stuff>.

So, there you have it my friends. That is where I am at. Until next time, drink a damn beer for me bitches. Peace out and eat chicken<fucking chicken anyways>!

Who the hell starts a new diet.............

the week before their birthday and Super Bowl weekend?

That dumbass would be me! Yes, I started a new diet and I am already down 4.8 pounds! Fuckin'A!

One of my girlfriends got a hold of me and we were talking and found out that we both have<yes I said have to lose, I want to look goooood this summer in a swim suit and not have to wear a moo moo to cover me up>to lose 30 pounds. That is the 30 I have left of the 50 pounds I want to lose.

She is helping me with what I eat. Whole foods and not nasty processed foods. Drinking protein and more water. Actually eating the right things, eating less and reprogramming myself. I am loving it!<I mean who would not love it after 4.8 pounds in the first couple of days!>

So, anyway I started this diet a few days before my birthday and it is also Super Bowl weekend. EEK! If you remember last year on my birthday I ate an entire coconut cake that is way better than sex. I hope to not do those things this year. I mean I am going to be 29<again> and you would think I could control myself. And all the goodies at the Super Bowl party, what is a big starving girl too do?

I GOT THIS BITCHES! I WILL NOT CHEAT! I WILL LOSE THESE LAST 30 POUNDS BEFORE MY NEXT 29TH BIRTHDAY!!!!

I'm stuck....In a rut..........I'm laaaaaazy

but not in an exercise way, in a eating and cooking way. I mean it is just easier to eat whatever and not plan out a good for you meal.

Yes, it has been a while since I last posted. Seems like I have been busy or something. Maybe I have not felt funny<blogging is much more fun when you FEEL funny, no I don't know why...it just does damn it>

I have not lost ANY weight in a loooooong time. Over the holidays I maintained and did not gain but I am just stuck.

The hubby and I have started a Turbo Kickboxing class and are having a blast! So, I am not being lazy there. I try to make good choices when I eat and when I cook but something has to change! I use skim milk instead of whole milk. 3% cheese, wheat pasta and all that shit, and nothing.  Maybe my body is storing blubber for the winter<I fucking hate winter>or something like that. Who the hell knows. Maybe my body is a hoarder and cannot let go of the fat<I am NOT a hoarder, trust me, the less stuff I have, the better, who wants to have to dust shit, not me, get rid of the shit people>

So, I was chatting with one of my friends yesterday and she has gotten very serious about her diet and is going to help me with mine. I need a buddy to help me with this<lord knows the hubby won't, fucking Frosty eating fool>so we are gonna text everyday and send pics to each other every day<lord I hope she does not share the pics of me that I am going to send, EEW> I am ready to turn the page and get to shedding pounds! This ass still looks nasty in a swimsuit!

Hey bitches, I am gonna try to keep up on this blog, lord knows you all live and die by what I write<okay, I had to stop typing that because I was laughing, live and die by what I write, ha, yeah right, gawd could I be more arrogant? I am sure I could but I don't want to lose my bitches!>

Okay, let's DO THIS and LOSE some weight! Until next time, don't be a lazy eater or cooker like me<well shit, now what am I gonna do with that free fucking pizza I won, I mean it is free, who ignores free, who the hell ignores pizza for that matter...GAWD HELP ME>.

What is your Ancient Chinese Secret?

A friend announced that she had lost almost 18 pounds in the last 4 months yesterday. I am so proud of her and I know she worked hard to do it. Her and I are so much alike in that we have always struggled to lose weight. Even as a child we struggled. What got me thinking was when a girl posted to her wanting to know what was her secret.

Is there ever really a secret to loosing weight people? I mean there are all kinds of lose weight quick diets, pills that make you shit your pants if you eat any fat, creams, shit you shake on your food and nonsense, but do they really work?

I, if you have been following my blog,<you better be fucking following my blog, I mean how else am I going to get discovered and get a book deal out of this true life crazy train I live> have lived a life though diets and quick fixes. I have tried everything and it does work, for a while and then you gain it all back plus more.

I have been asked so many times, how did you do it? What diet are you on, what is your secret. Now you all know I drink my health shakes, they are not diet shakes but meal replacement shakes and loaded with all the nutrients a person needs. I have lost weight with them but that is not all I have had to do.

A lady asked me straight up, what are you doing to lose weight. I told her, you know it is the craziest thing, diet and exercise. Can you believe that? She seriously looked at me is disgust, like I had a bat in the cave<booger> or a bug in my grill<food in my teeth> and walked off. Hey bitch, that is what really works.

Eating right and exercising is the only thing that will help you lose weight, and it doesn't happen quick bitches, it takes time. It has taken me 11 months to lose 20 pounds. I have changed my way of eating, I eat smaller portions, and I fucking exercise. Stop looking for a quick fix people and put the work in and just do it! Trust me it does work and it lasts. Change your way of thinking, eating and exercising and it will happen to you!

Now get your asses off the fucking couch and do something!

Don't Make Me Get The Belt......

was always a phrase I hated to hear as a kid. That usually meant I had done something wrong and was in trouble<hell I was always in trouble as a kid. I could never keep my mouth shut, sister kept her mouth shut, not me>.

While I was out shopping the other day, at my favorite place to shop, for now, JCP, I told myself this very phrase. And guess what? I got myself 2 belts!

I have always loved to wear belts with my jeans. I wanted them to match what I was wearing and in my eyes<which at times were clouded by donuts> it was a sign of being confident in what you looked like. For so many years when I was a skinny bitch I had tons of belts and wore them everyday. Wore them with jeans. Wore them with shorts. Wore them with skirts. Always wore them. After getting all fat and happy I steered clear of belts because I hated something tight around my big fat belly and I never tucked in a shirt<hey I had to fucking hide that shit, don't judge>. With the recent purchase of my Fancy Pants I felt it was time to get back into the belt wearing.

It is so strange the little things that make a big deal to me. I mean who would have thought by buying and being able to wear a belt it would make me feel so good about myself. Well it fucking did and I am loving it!

So if you hear someone say, don't make me get the belt, say, yes, get the belt, a cute black one maybe!

*disclaimer....I will not take blame to you getting beat with a belt for telling you to say the above mentioned comment. Carry on*

So until next time, wear a belt proudly as I have been!!!

Kicked That Goal in the Ass

and not in the big fat ass, in the getting smaller<I think sexy> ass!

I had made a goal for myself that I would get to a size that I could wear those jeans that have sparkles on the pockets. Very expensive jeans too. I was at a size that they did not make the jeans big enough for me and I fucking wanted a damn pair. I mean all the cool kids are wearing them so why couldn't I...oh yeah...my ass was too big.

So I went about a month or so ago and tried on a pair and low and fucking behold.......THEY FIT!!! Oh I HAD TO HAVE a pair of these jeans.

It was almost payday and I could fit into them but the ones I tried on were too short. I cannot not do jeans that are too short. I think that comes from wearing Rockies and Wranglers with boots. The test is if I sit down and I can see the beginning of my boot going up or my socks, too short. I ain't wearing no high priced high waters. If I am going to pay this much they will fit me exactly how I want them to.

The town I live in does not have very many places that you can buy these jeans, I called every one of them and they had my waist size but not the length. So I phoned a friend, my soul sister. She wears these jeans so she has to know some other places<she is very fashion forward>. It happened that her and I were going to the big city on payday and she said I should call a store that we would be going by. I called them and they had like 5 pairs in my size and in the length I wanted! Oh hells yeah bitches!

Payday arrived and off we went. Got to the store and they had pulled every pair in my size and had them waiting on me. I was like a kid on Christmas morning! I held my head up high and sexy walked into the fitting room<oh yea I am "fitting" into these jeans!>

I tried on every pair. I shook my ass at myself in the mirror in each pair. Then I narrowed it down to two and asked my soul sister what she thought. She agreed with me on the pair and I sexy walked up to the checkout. I had a huge smile on my face and could not keep it in any more. I told the gal, these are my first pair of these jeans because I have lost enough weight to finally wear them. She was all excited for me and told me how to care for them so the jewels do not come off in the wash. I walked out of there thinking I was the shit!

I am not gonna lie, it did hurt to pay that much for a pair of jeans. I have never paid that much before but it was my first big goal that I had met so I deserved it!

The first chance I had to wear them was too a local college football game. Oh I was shaking my ass all over the place. I had decided to name these jeans my Fancy Pants! And do you all know what? I won a best butt contest! Okay, there was only 2 of us in it and it was kinda not really a contest but I was told I had the best butt between the two. Hell I forgot I even had an ass let alone an ass that looked good!

So now I wear those jeans anytime we are going some where, like out on the weekends, not to work or the store or simple places like that. And all I really can afford this one pair....for now. I mean what the fuck an I gonna do when I lose MORE weight and these are too big? Oh the possibilities are endless<too bad my pocket book is not>.

So there you have it, big girl makes good on a goal and buys first pair of Fancy Pants!

Already have my next goal in mind. I have a long way to go for that one though but I WILL get there!

Till next time folks........peace out!